DRIVE.

An essay by Matilda Raynolds for OBSESSION.

By Black Sheep Cycling

February 2^nd, 2021

“What drives you? Why are you doing this? That word 'why'.”

It can feel uncomfortable to be asked the question that forces you to open up the hood and step off the treadmill, to fill out an enquiry form, to question the missed barbeques, the hold on the gin soda waters, the need to set the alarm well-before the city breathes and go to bed well before the city sleeps. To have this one thing on your mind, which at different times holds different weights, but it is always there. The need to ride my bike.

2020 was going to be our year wasn’t it – our breakout year, the plans that we had. For me that was going to be racing in the US, experiencing the criterium series which riders past and present speak of with glints in their eyes, my second year with Specialized Women’s Racing. Another opportunity to learn, to accelerate that race craft they speak of, on a world scene which I so desperately crave.

Spoiler Alert. That didn’t happen. As we know time stopped, borders closed, events canceled, doors locked like some higher force pulled the ripcord on life as we knew it.

I preface this essay that of course sport, for me cycling, is the most important of the least important things in life. To those that lost their jobs, their loved ones, their meaning, literally life as they knew it and had worked for, what I have to say here belongs in the bottom draw of the dresser you never open, but for all that has happened this year there is no doubt while it has been collective, each have had their own individual experiences, this is mine.

We’re a week out from the Australian Nationals, a key race goal for me, which in turn has had me reflecting on if it’s worth it. To balance a full-time job, career aspirations, family, friends.

The amount of time I put into cycling means I’m choosing to not put time into something else; relationships, having children, chasing jobs because while this will only be the third year of racing at a national level, I have been doing endurance sport for over 10 years, previously racing at an elite level in long-distance triathlon.

I recently mentioned this to my mum, and she very quickly reminded me that it has been cycling that has saved me this year. That when everything stopped, it was one thing I could control, even if for 100 days it was only allowed to be on a wind trainer or within a 5km radius.

I thought I was previously driven by ambition, to see how far I could take this sport, but when the races, the accolades, the podiums, photographers and my teammates were all gone, and you’re left in your 1 metre by 1 metre apartment, why are you still getting up and prioritising a bike ride. I think, because I could.

Emma Pooley said it best on the back of completing a World Record Everest attempt that, ‘it’s a privilege to be able to choose how to suffer – not everyone has that choice’. The simplest thing in riding my bike gave me the power more than ever before to control the shitstorm that was happening outside, to breath in small doses of freedom and to seize those droplets of serotonin from training.

“It’s a privilege to be able to choose how to suffer – not everyone has that choice.”

I moved back to my parents place on the farm for a few months, and it was here, with my teammate Ella Bloor up the road, I really got into trail riding, and I could not implore you more that if you’re no longer feeling it, to take it to a trail or gravel route – there’s just something about the need to be totally at one with your surrounds in nature.

This definitely got me through the slump, a period of a bit of mourning whilst we canceled all those grand plans. From there I knew I needed structure, and signed up to a Zwift 12 week program to ‘increase my FTP’, really I just needed someone to tell me what to do and feel good about ticking a box, making your bed in the morning can have the same mental effect. From there I engaged a new coach Pat Shaw, to again, tick boxes, achieve small physical milestones.

I know I’m answering the how, but the why … I do love it. I love the people this sport attracts, the technology we get to test, the feeling of speed and power that is solely generated by you. I’ve also realised that cycling gives me the opportunity to experience life at a deeper level, and that is what I am seeking. It is only one life and I want to live the shit out of it. The intensity, the challenge, the environments, the banter, the highs and lows.

I feel very fortunate to truly experience life at a raw level, from riding to base camp in Everest or backpacking in Kyrgyzstan to getting yelled at on Beach Road, Melbourne. So far Tour Down Under and Nationals have been the two biggest races I’ve participated in, and they’re also some of the biggest highlights of my year, if not life. On and off the bike the intensity you have with your teammates, it’s an energy many will never experience, and I just love it.

“I love the people this sport attracts, the technology we test, the feeling of speed and power that is solely generated by you.”

The experience is not without its challenges, from a constant imposter syndrome to feeling like life has an hourglass that you can’t reach, to crashes and plans in the bin, but when all stopped it was a wheel I could keep moving, and one I know that is going to continue to take my ‘experiences’ to never dreamed heights. Or it doesn’t, and that’s OK.

Right now, this is a choice I’m just grateful I get to make, the rest isn’t always something I can affect. So what drives you? (Shit, I need to get to the point) Love, love for where the bike takes me be it at an elite level or around the trails with my mates. Those experiences are a lot more enjoyable if I’ve worked hard to protect them. For now, that is driving me. We’ll see if that fuel changes.

No matter the result, this week is a celebration. Of all the sessions you didn’t see on social media, all the wind trainer workouts in the dungeon. This week, we get to race, I get to dance with my team and some of the best domestic talent Australia has ever produced, when I’m on my 8th lap of the Buninyong QOM I will try to remember, ‘you love this’.

Now that’s drive.

LISTEN TO THE WMN PODCAST

Also this month for your audible pleasure, tune in to the WMN Podcast, with Bridget Slocum and Faz Zamani, who chat about cultivating community and the importance of women driving women.